I'm doing that thing again that I don't like in myself. I'm avoiding someone. Don't really feel like talking to this person but I will. Why not? Well, he's given me a money gig, easy money and I need that money. He's also treated me a couple times in a way I find objectionable and well, I don't accept dis-respect at any cost. But at the heart of the matter is the baffling music for money relationship I have. Really if he treated me golden I may put off the dialogue I need to have for a much longer period of time. Other peoples behavior is often a good excuse for me to exit a situation I don't really belong in. I've worked jobs for years that I knew I didn't really need, dis-respecting myself in those years because I need to eat and keep a roof over my head and buy a delay pedal.
And maybe that's the answer. I love to earn. I love to earn from my music, there is no better feeling. But it's not about the money..... A money gig= Music for the sake of money. Nothing wrong with that but...well, I'm having these feelings.
I just read this morning "If you want to be rich you'll need to stop being such a consumer". That really hit home. I don't really need that delay pedal and when I do someone will give me one if I happen to actually release some work that makes me a visible man. Weird how that is. You work hard, get lucky, put yourself in the right place at the right time then people give you clothes and equipment so you can advertise for them. Cool. I like clothes. Really, it ain't so much about the money. In a perfect world though I would have my own tailor. And I'd pay him or her handsomely cause, well, I like paying people for their creative endeavors. How am I a consumer? I seem to be consuming an enormous amount of time watching stuff on the internet. Finally the TV industry has broken into my safety zone with Netflix. I don't know what is worse. Having a credit card addiction or an internet addiction. I'll take that advice to heart. I'm already one day at a time on Facebook, next is Ebay and Netflix. Let em' go and deal with the feelings I'm afraid to deal with.
So yeah, back on the subject. This gig paid me about a C-note for 3 hours of playing classic rock covers on guitar with another fellow. Nice people run the bar, good vibes, audience is cool, but I came away every friday feeling completely depressed. I'd carry that depression into saturday then end it with Gospel of Mars practice on Sunday evening. I'm generally a happy guy. The days following Sunday I'd feel good then on Friday I'd go right back down that deep hole and feel horrible. I don't know exactly why. I can blame it on the fact that I don't really enjoy the bar scene, people drinking too much and all that boring nonsense, but I feel it may be my ego. I don't like to blame, that's my self pity when I blame. I do understand that my feelings are a mere barometer pointing out to me whether I'm moving closer or away from the promised land. In this case it's simply away. I never feel like this after a performance by a band I really love to be in.
But I come away with the question why is it so easy to play this music and get food on the table and a roof above my head and such a challenge to create something new and get a cup of coffee? I usually feel awful playing covers for money, like I'm dividing myself into two personas. I'm in people pleasing mode, the worst kind of mode I can be in. I don't really know how to act like anyone but myself. These gigs I feel like I'm being trained. I just like being me.
I've played in money bands before, there was Jamallad, a reggae band I played in during the early 90's. I lasted about 6 weeks on the road. I liked earning $400 a day at points. I didn't like being yelled at by the band leader for being my goofy self. I also played in "The Miss U's", a Rolling Stones Cover Band in Portland Oregon for a few years. That was fun then it wasn't buy I continued on as if it were like the first fun and lucrative show. What behavior in both groups did I have in common? I drank a lot. Liquid tolerance. They call it truth serum but, it can help me lie my ass off used properly.
The Rolling Stones band, well, the first gig I walked away with a couple hundred bucks. Easy money and fun. Next, $150, next $100, next $75. See the pattern? But again, it was a fun band, I think, oh I don't really know any longer. Trouble is whether it's your original vision or a cover band it's still a band with egos and personalities and agendas. It's a matter of how much am I willing to deal with. And I have my own ego, vision and agenda to contend with. I'm not that easy apparently.
That band ended with a whimper for me. The third to last show I screamed on stage. I was wondering why I couldn't feel anything any longer. The second to last show a girl flashed her ample breast at me and I was sober. I thought "well, that was nice of her. This is an ugly bar and we are a cover band lady...." I went home depressed.
The last show..... We had a booking at this outdoor festival one sunny afternoon in Portland. It was to be on a Sunday. The band knew I was losing it so the leader called me the day before to check on me and make sure we were on for sunday. I said of course we were, and I truly was excited since it was going to be awesome weather and I like playing outdoors. I woke up the next morning and looked outside. It was one of the most beautiful days I had ever seen before. I said, "man, it's so nice out I think I'll go for a hike on Sauvies Island and pick some blueberries." So I went and did that. I quite honestly had no memory of our gig and that I even had a gig. I didn't remember till I went back to work a few days later and heard the many messages on my work phone from 2 bandmates on stage wondering where I was.
I called and apologized profusely, I felt terrible about it. The leader said not to worry about it. A few months later I realized they went on without me hiring another without even giving me a good firing. I gave that band a lot of good service including use of my practice space, and not even a proper goodbye.
So I wonder if I still carry this un-resolved business into todays life. I don't even remember if I felt hurt or not. I did know that I needed to leave that band, I just wanted to leave with more dignity.
So what is it about the money gig that feels so craptastic for me? I like earning. I love earning with an instrument in my hands more than anything else. I do know this now. Getting involved in situations that I don't feel good in, don't feel respected in, that I know in my heart you are off course but I proceed anyway into, Im not being nice to myself and therefore I'm probably not being nice to someone else as well. Better to be honest, keep the faith and go for my dreams. It I need money find another way to earn it if I don't feel good doing the cover gig.
People have said to me about my guitar shop days "at least you are doing something music related and that's cool right?" Well, if you like that work then do it. For me? Doing something so close to what I love and not being with what I truly love can really take a bite out of my energy to do what I love the most. Kinda like being in love with someone but being too afraid to be with her or him for fear of rejection so you go with that persons sibling or cousin and you don't really dig that person. Why would anyone do that? That ain't nice!
J
And maybe that's the answer. I love to earn. I love to earn from my music, there is no better feeling. But it's not about the money..... A money gig= Music for the sake of money. Nothing wrong with that but...well, I'm having these feelings.
I just read this morning "If you want to be rich you'll need to stop being such a consumer". That really hit home. I don't really need that delay pedal and when I do someone will give me one if I happen to actually release some work that makes me a visible man. Weird how that is. You work hard, get lucky, put yourself in the right place at the right time then people give you clothes and equipment so you can advertise for them. Cool. I like clothes. Really, it ain't so much about the money. In a perfect world though I would have my own tailor. And I'd pay him or her handsomely cause, well, I like paying people for their creative endeavors. How am I a consumer? I seem to be consuming an enormous amount of time watching stuff on the internet. Finally the TV industry has broken into my safety zone with Netflix. I don't know what is worse. Having a credit card addiction or an internet addiction. I'll take that advice to heart. I'm already one day at a time on Facebook, next is Ebay and Netflix. Let em' go and deal with the feelings I'm afraid to deal with.
So yeah, back on the subject. This gig paid me about a C-note for 3 hours of playing classic rock covers on guitar with another fellow. Nice people run the bar, good vibes, audience is cool, but I came away every friday feeling completely depressed. I'd carry that depression into saturday then end it with Gospel of Mars practice on Sunday evening. I'm generally a happy guy. The days following Sunday I'd feel good then on Friday I'd go right back down that deep hole and feel horrible. I don't know exactly why. I can blame it on the fact that I don't really enjoy the bar scene, people drinking too much and all that boring nonsense, but I feel it may be my ego. I don't like to blame, that's my self pity when I blame. I do understand that my feelings are a mere barometer pointing out to me whether I'm moving closer or away from the promised land. In this case it's simply away. I never feel like this after a performance by a band I really love to be in.
But I come away with the question why is it so easy to play this music and get food on the table and a roof above my head and such a challenge to create something new and get a cup of coffee? I usually feel awful playing covers for money, like I'm dividing myself into two personas. I'm in people pleasing mode, the worst kind of mode I can be in. I don't really know how to act like anyone but myself. These gigs I feel like I'm being trained. I just like being me.
I've played in money bands before, there was Jamallad, a reggae band I played in during the early 90's. I lasted about 6 weeks on the road. I liked earning $400 a day at points. I didn't like being yelled at by the band leader for being my goofy self. I also played in "The Miss U's", a Rolling Stones Cover Band in Portland Oregon for a few years. That was fun then it wasn't buy I continued on as if it were like the first fun and lucrative show. What behavior in both groups did I have in common? I drank a lot. Liquid tolerance. They call it truth serum but, it can help me lie my ass off used properly.
The Rolling Stones band, well, the first gig I walked away with a couple hundred bucks. Easy money and fun. Next, $150, next $100, next $75. See the pattern? But again, it was a fun band, I think, oh I don't really know any longer. Trouble is whether it's your original vision or a cover band it's still a band with egos and personalities and agendas. It's a matter of how much am I willing to deal with. And I have my own ego, vision and agenda to contend with. I'm not that easy apparently.
That band ended with a whimper for me. The third to last show I screamed on stage. I was wondering why I couldn't feel anything any longer. The second to last show a girl flashed her ample breast at me and I was sober. I thought "well, that was nice of her. This is an ugly bar and we are a cover band lady...." I went home depressed.
The last show..... We had a booking at this outdoor festival one sunny afternoon in Portland. It was to be on a Sunday. The band knew I was losing it so the leader called me the day before to check on me and make sure we were on for sunday. I said of course we were, and I truly was excited since it was going to be awesome weather and I like playing outdoors. I woke up the next morning and looked outside. It was one of the most beautiful days I had ever seen before. I said, "man, it's so nice out I think I'll go for a hike on Sauvies Island and pick some blueberries." So I went and did that. I quite honestly had no memory of our gig and that I even had a gig. I didn't remember till I went back to work a few days later and heard the many messages on my work phone from 2 bandmates on stage wondering where I was.
I called and apologized profusely, I felt terrible about it. The leader said not to worry about it. A few months later I realized they went on without me hiring another without even giving me a good firing. I gave that band a lot of good service including use of my practice space, and not even a proper goodbye.
So I wonder if I still carry this un-resolved business into todays life. I don't even remember if I felt hurt or not. I did know that I needed to leave that band, I just wanted to leave with more dignity.
So what is it about the money gig that feels so craptastic for me? I like earning. I love earning with an instrument in my hands more than anything else. I do know this now. Getting involved in situations that I don't feel good in, don't feel respected in, that I know in my heart you are off course but I proceed anyway into, Im not being nice to myself and therefore I'm probably not being nice to someone else as well. Better to be honest, keep the faith and go for my dreams. It I need money find another way to earn it if I don't feel good doing the cover gig.
People have said to me about my guitar shop days "at least you are doing something music related and that's cool right?" Well, if you like that work then do it. For me? Doing something so close to what I love and not being with what I truly love can really take a bite out of my energy to do what I love the most. Kinda like being in love with someone but being too afraid to be with her or him for fear of rejection so you go with that persons sibling or cousin and you don't really dig that person. Why would anyone do that? That ain't nice!
J
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