Okay, ain't gonna lie, I'm shallow! And furious about Mozart in the Jungle being cancelled.

I don't have Amazon Prime and have no intentions around signing up. But I came awfully close when I found "Mozart in the Jungle" one day while cat sitting in Park Slope.

Ain't gonna lie here. That comedy may have changed my life. It's portrayal of an orchestra, it's players and the occasional guest like Joshua Bell and many New York players from the street to the stage, for a musician in mid life was a breath of fresh air!

By the time I was through season 1 I was back on a better practicing routine and writing more. I got to ask what do I want to leave behind when I'm done with this life? Anyone who plays in an orchestra has worked hard to get there and I love a hard worker.

Funny how that can come from a goofball comedy show about sex, drugs and classical music but whatever, it doesn't matter what can be a life changing inspiration. And ya know what? I can say I'm happier now with my path. Will I ever get to the promised land through writing music and performing it? I don't really care. I'm digging this journey, meeting new people making compelling art and challenging myself in new ways.

Ya, I kinda needed that show to push me over the cliff. So thank you Amazon for airing it. And %^%@ you for cancelling!


It's funny. I'm reminded of David Sanborns' "Night Music" which aired in the late 1980's. I religiously watched that show every Sunday night. That's where I met Sun Ra, Lounge Lizards, Sonic Youth, Charlie Haden's orchestra and many other artist. And much like any good shows about music, poof! Gone!!! That show did the same for me, inspired me to do something else. The messenger comes in many forms.

J 4/18/2020

The young pianist and the young guitarist in the band room, 1984

I'm a hippy. I grew up on hippy music and, well, jazz. You know, hipster music. I love it all. It's been a blessed life of never ending discovery. I've learned to appreciate music from all over this planet.

Years ago, I mean, many years ago when I was in high school there was another student who was a pretty amazing classical pianist. We went to Centennial High School, a public school which is a part of Ellicott City Maryland and this kid was as much of an oddball as I. He went to a bi-weekly lesson in Philadelphia to study with a guy who studied with a guy who studied with a guy who studied with Franz Liszt or Chopin or one of those cats. This kid wore nice clothes, the kind of clothes that gets you ridiculed by other kids, suits and bow ties. I had my hush puppies, jean jackets, a funny mustache and a big afro. Not exactly dressed in the current fashion and I got ridiculed plenty for it too.  He came off as a bit stiff, maybe arrogant, removed from the rest. Kinda like me in my own way. I wasn't stiff, but I was scared, and certainly my arrogance showed cause it was my way of being safe and ugh, "superior."

I can't say that was his experience but can say that we probably had a lot more in common than I could see then.

I did my four years there, he vanished after about a year hopefully to move into a safer setting. You know, one of those gifted and talented schools. I may have been gifted or talented but the thought of going into a program like that was "uncool" to a kid like me.

One day we were in the music room during our lunch break. Probably just a good place for us to hide out from the bully ways of many of our peers. He was practicing his concert pieces and I was quietly playing some acoustic guitar on one of the schools cheap Yamaha gut string instruments. We actually had a guitar program led by Ms. Ruckert thank god.

He asked me what was I playing and I told him "oh I'm just making stuff up." He then asked "How do you do that?"

I replied "I don't really know, I just learned some scales and I just kinda do it." I then asked him "How the hell do you do what you do?"

The kid had chops.... Whether I liked his musical choices or not I was amazed by his ability!

I don't remember his reply. We weren't friends, just 2 misfits escaping school life for forty minutes.

Now, don't get me wrong. I would not have wanted his life which was undoubtedly headed towards winning competitions and maybe, at least in my young point of view, restrictive. I liked the illusion of being 'free' that I hung on to in those days. I was also hellbent on the ridiculous idea of being "self taught" like Jimi Hendrix as if that's any real virtue. And no, I do not believe in that any longer, I don't even think Jimi was "self taught." It's more likely that he was just brilliant, talented, imaginative and learned guitar from cats who learned something on guitar last week. Any of the old jazz players I knew, that's how they learned, on the bandstand from folks that were better than they were. And that's still gaining instruction. In today's life, ask me anything and I'll share. I love to help another!

So anyway, back to the subject. I went on about my life with all that pride that I could just make stuff up and all, and it served me well. And I have zero regrets. It's fun to jam. It's even more fun to invent.

And now I find joy in composing. I'm really no different than the young guitarist in that band room and I'm probably more like the young pianist now too. Composing is writing down an improvisation to me. And oddly enough I'm finding a new quality of freedom in the process. I can write a melody and when I get tired of it I can choose any note to start another direction. It's fun to find my way back home, and overwhelming cause, there's so much freedom it becomes daunting to make choices. Sometimes I'll limit myself to a few notes, other times explore whatever comes to mind.

It's a way slower process. I like that most days and some days I don't. I'm learning a new level of patience. It takes weeks to get something under my fingers and sometimes months for it to become music to my ears.

The young pianist in the music room. Something I didn't understand about the life of a classical musician was the choice to be an interpreter. I didn't understand much beyond the notes on a written page. I couldn't understand what made someone like Sonnenberg or Horowitz or Segovia so compelling. And having been surrounded by the free improvisation scene much of my life, who could be really critical of the classical musician calling them 'cover bands' or 'craftspeople, not artist', that never resonated with me. Few spoke of discipline, interpretation and some of the things I really admire. If there's one wish I had for my young self, it would be to keep an open mind. I lost out on melody big time. Something I'm obsessed with today. And actively composing, learning other pieces, my improvising has become far more melodic, I take more risk and feel I have a more solid foundation to build on.

It feels good to admit this at my age, and to start over again. I'll never stop improvising whether in the moment or with pencil and paper. I'll just always choose growth and curiosity over fear from here on.

I often wonder about that piano kid. He's grown up now of course. I do not remember his name so I can't cyberstalk him (social media creeps me out!!!). I wonder if he ever learned to "just make things up"? I wonder if that little insignificant moment in a high school band room has had an impact on him at all? Or did he just move on and become a fine concert pianist? Did he do like many and give up playing to do something one can make six figures at doing? Is he composing or performing brain surgery or working retail somewhere? What's his take on musical freedom? What's mine?

-J  4/18/2020

What have I been doing for the past year?

It's been over a year since I last wrote here, and now that the world has stopped I have time to reflect and share again.

Over the last 4-5 years I've had a return to my roots. As a teenager I studied a bit of classical guitar and really loved it. I especially loved the weaving of 2 melodies together in counterpoint. I studied with a good local teacher named Bruce Casteel in Columbia Maryland. He had some great classical students, some who went on to prestigious conservatories, then he had fellows like me. I don't think he saw me as particularly disciplined, and he was probably right, so he never put me on a method book or anything like that. And truth be told I would probably have fled if he did. Being a young, frightened, egotistical teenager I was 'better than everyone' while at the same time was 'the bottom of the worst.' Neither of which was true but that's what a good dose of fear does to the mind.

Bruce had a house full of fine classical guitars. Ramirez, Dauphin, Marzal and some ones I don't remember. They were expensive. Minimum $2000 in the 80's. A vintage Stratocaster was about five hundred bucks and I was a Jimi head. So, I'll let you figure out what I decided.

But Bruce put up with me. He had a wild side too and taught me how to improvise. Scales, modes etc. My brother and I would make up songs in whatever mode was presented just to learn the mode and not be bored playing the 'blues box.'

I also got into composing. I wrote 2 or 3 pieces and figured I'm no Bach so I gave it up. Much like I did with drawing and writing stories. I was so hard on myself then. In fact if playing blues rock, psychedelic music didn't come relatively easy to me I may not have pursued music at all and I wouldn't be writing this blog post.

So fast forward. Not writing my biography today here....

After years of playing in bands and having limited success, a good personal economic meltdown in 2010 which led me to re-examine every choice in my life, I found a Carcassi guitar method book at Sam Ash on 34th street. I had glued my moms busted Silvertone "Classic Folk" guitar back together and found myself just doing the exercises in there daily with the same energy as when I was a teenager. See, I used to practice my scales hours daily. It was obsession. I was waaaaay too lazy to play video games, too much work, but practicing scales and songs, that was just fun for me.

So I started learning pieces out of that Carcassi book. The Stratocaster doesn't really interest me any more so I started seeking out good guitars which I find to be completely fascinating. The Torres design, the Hauser spin on it and all that followed. In short I fell in love with making music again. I fell in love with the instrument again.And I've fallen in love with composing again except this time I don't really care if my pieces are genius or even any good at all. I just enjoy writing and  enjoy practicing.

When I hit that 'self taught' wall I found a great teacher for me on Craigslist named Carlos Pavan. So happens he's a composer so I see him weekly to discuss and perform my new works with him. It's so worth it to invest in oneself and I'm so grateful he's around.

So for the last year I've been working on my second solo LP. I was hoping to record it this summer and have it out in the fall but the world is on pause today so I have no idea what to do. I am taking advantage of this time to make my compositions better, challenge myself and practice. I'm taking the gentle approach, no hard deadlines, little self criticism, and a lot of help and support from loved ones.

When it will be ready I have no idea. There may not even be a vinyl record maker left standing when we get through this sad and brutal time. Right now it's just about one day at a time and love thy neighbor. That's enough for me. But stay posted, I'll be here writing music and pages like this.

Take care everyone. Let's ride this out and re-build when we can.

-J

Photo: Matt Licari
Guitar: John Vergara