And the winner is........ (365 day challenge and our consumer culture)

 Hi readers. It's been a long time since I've been here. Truth be told I don't see all that much point but then I ran into some folks that said they like what I write here. They also said something alarming....

"When I read your blogs, (this one or my tube amp repair blog) I usually want to buy whatever it is you are writing about."

Scary. I never knew I had a career in advertising. I don't think I wish to participate in this. 

And that is what I am going to talk about today. It might get a little cathartic. 

Consumerism is a disease. It's been a monkey on my back since I was a teenager. I'm going through what I guess is a breakup today, I'm gutted... I do not like what I am feeling one bit. I will miss her dearly. I spent the day before yesterday in bed, weeping, and doing the best practicing I could to prepare for my gig tonight at Tubby's (11/12/2023) here in Kingston, NY.

There's a big difference to my experience today. I don't actually feel like buying anything. I can look at literally every breakup I've had since I was a young man and see a purchase I made to blow off the feelings of heartbreak. The day my dad died two years ago.... I bought a beautiful $2500 classical guitar that I hated. Someone loves it now thank goodness......

Back in 2010 I wrote a list of tenor saxophones I had purchased. I couldn't remember past 40.

Forty..... at that point I had been playing for about 13 years. That is insane. That is counterproductive. That is pretty stupid. That is sickness. 

I have one tenor as of November 1st 2023 and three mouthpieces, only one of which I'm exploring now. Neither are particularly valuable but the combination sparks joy every time I pick it up. For once I'm not comparing this to that and I'm just...... playing. 

As of November 2nd 2023 I'm no longer paying off anything on PayPal Credit (that no interest over $100 for purchases over $99 is a killer for wasting my energy!!) and I'm no longer paying off a purchase I made at a shop I work for. I think I can get to like this. That purchase I made from the shop? Beautiful, amazing and I don't need it. What I do need is more gigs and my own band again. 

So what has happened? Honestly I do not know. I think I just literally got bored of paying things off and wasting my time messing around with excess. The man who taught me how to play bought his tenor in 1948 and played it until he died in 2008. He had two more over the years... one was a backup that got stolen and the other was a horn he bought cause it was a great deal and it was pretty. 

So, no pictures here of what I'm enjoying. I don't wish to participate in this consumer culture by writing about how great my instruments are. And I will be okay when I will be okay. Breakups are hard even if they are the "eff you, go away" variety which this is not. This is merely a life path thing so it's much harder. I'll heal one hour at a time.... and I'll play what I have one day at a time... and I'll use what I have to continue to make my next record one day at a time.

And I'll do my best not to buy anything I don't actually want or need these next 365 days despite being constantly bombarded with Reverb and eBay ads one day at a time. I'll continue to value the space I have more than the clutter one day at a time. After all, the space between the notes is just as important and the notes themselves.

-Jef

The young pianist and the young guitarist in the band room, 1984

I'm a hippy. I grew up on hippy music and, well, jazz. You know, hipster music. I love it all. It's been a blessed life of never ending discovery. I've learned to appreciate music from all over this planet.

Years ago, I mean, many years ago when I was in high school there was another student who was a pretty amazing classical pianist. We went to Centennial High School, a public school which is a part of Ellicott City Maryland and this kid was as much of an oddball as I. He went to a bi-weekly lesson in Philadelphia to study with a guy who studied with a guy who studied with a guy who studied with Franz Liszt or Chopin or one of those cats. This kid wore nice clothes, the kind of clothes that gets you ridiculed by other kids, suits and bow ties. I had my hush puppies, jean jackets, a funny mustache and a big afro. Not exactly dressed in the current fashion and I got ridiculed plenty for it too.  He came off as a bit stiff, maybe arrogant, removed from the rest. Kinda like me in my own way. I wasn't stiff, but I was scared, and certainly my arrogance showed cause it was my way of being safe and ugh, "superior."

I can't say that was his experience but can say that we probably had a lot more in common than I could see then.

I did my four years there, he vanished after about a year hopefully to move into a safer setting. You know, one of those gifted and talented schools. I may have been gifted or talented but the thought of going into a program like that was "uncool" to a kid like me.

One day we were in the music room during our lunch break. Probably just a good place for us to hide out from the bully ways of many of our peers. He was practicing his concert pieces and I was quietly playing some acoustic guitar on one of the schools cheap Yamaha gut string instruments. We actually had a guitar program led by Ms. Ruckert thank god.

He asked me what was I playing and I told him "oh I'm just making stuff up." He then asked "How do you do that?"

I replied "I don't really know, I just learned some scales and I just kinda do it." I then asked him "How the hell do you do what you do?"

The kid had chops.... Whether I liked his musical choices or not I was amazed by his ability!

I don't remember his reply. We weren't friends, just 2 misfits escaping school life for forty minutes.

Now, don't get me wrong. I would not have wanted his life which was undoubtedly headed towards winning competitions and maybe, at least in my young point of view, restrictive. I liked the illusion of being 'free' that I hung on to in those days. I was also hellbent on the ridiculous idea of being "self taught" like Jimi Hendrix as if that's any real virtue. And no, I do not believe in that any longer, I don't even think Jimi was "self taught." It's more likely that he was just brilliant, talented, imaginative and learned guitar from cats who learned something on guitar last week. Any of the old jazz players I knew, that's how they learned, on the bandstand from folks that were better than they were. And that's still gaining instruction. In today's life, ask me anything and I'll share. I love to help another!

So anyway, back to the subject. I went on about my life with all that pride that I could just make stuff up and all, and it served me well. And I have zero regrets. It's fun to jam. It's even more fun to invent.

And now I find joy in composing. I'm really no different than the young guitarist in that band room and I'm probably more like the young pianist now too. Composing is writing down an improvisation to me. And oddly enough I'm finding a new quality of freedom in the process. I can write a melody and when I get tired of it I can choose any note to start another direction. It's fun to find my way back home, and overwhelming cause, there's so much freedom it becomes daunting to make choices. Sometimes I'll limit myself to a few notes, other times explore whatever comes to mind.

It's a way slower process. I like that most days and some days I don't. I'm learning a new level of patience. It takes weeks to get something under my fingers and sometimes months for it to become music to my ears.

The young pianist in the music room. Something I didn't understand about the life of a classical musician was the choice to be an interpreter. I didn't understand much beyond the notes on a written page. I couldn't understand what made someone like Sonnenberg or Horowitz or Segovia so compelling. And having been surrounded by the free improvisation scene much of my life, who could be really critical of the classical musician calling them 'cover bands' or 'craftspeople, not artist', that never resonated with me. Few spoke of discipline, interpretation and some of the things I really admire. If there's one wish I had for my young self, it would be to keep an open mind. I lost out on melody big time. Something I'm obsessed with today. And actively composing, learning other pieces, my improvising has become far more melodic, I take more risk and feel I have a more solid foundation to build on.

It feels good to admit this at my age, and to start over again. I'll never stop improvising whether in the moment or with pencil and paper. I'll just always choose growth and curiosity over fear from here on.

I often wonder about that piano kid. He's grown up now of course. I do not remember his name so I can't cyberstalk him (social media creeps me out!!!). I wonder if he ever learned to "just make things up"? I wonder if that little insignificant moment in a high school band room has had an impact on him at all? Or did he just move on and become a fine concert pianist? Did he do like many and give up playing to do something one can make six figures at doing? Is he composing or performing brain surgery or working retail somewhere? What's his take on musical freedom? What's mine?

-J  4/18/2020

How did you get so good?

I love this question....how did you get so good?

I get asked this by my kid students all the time. "How do you do that? How did you get good at that?"

I do my best to let them know it's an exercise in persistence, appreciating the little bit you did learn already and all that good stuff.

I've been in a real woodshed period. Lots of hours practicing classical guitar, lots of hour practicing my saxophone. The fruits are starting to show and it feels good. I feel good. I don't yet know what it's for or why I do this, but have just surrendered to it and accepted the mystery. I'm having this weird temporary experience called life bookended by 2 great mysteries. I could haven been a soldier, fireman, wall street guy, engineer, father, but chose to make music and dedicate my time to this activity that brings me almost no money but a lot of joy.

So I was recently at a party with my parents. The host and his friend had a little jam session and they played some classics. I had my guitar in the car so I went and grabbed it to sit in. Some of the folks were astounded. One guy was near tears talking to me. I was moved by that. I didn't know it was possible.

He asked me how I got to this place......

It sounds bitter but it's not. I looked around and thought "well, other than my 5 year old niece and the 2 teenagers here, I'm the only person in this room who has probably never been married and who doesn't have a family...."

I didn't say this out loud, but the thought naturally popped into my head.

This has been a lonely existence. I'm quite sane but accept that I'm not easy to be around either. There is always melodies in my head, things I'm working out musically, solving this seemingly unending puzzle. 90% of my days I'm quite okay being alone. I'm defensive of my time. The minute I'm sharing too much of my time I lose the sanity part.

One friend said something about the 'sacrifice Jef made' or something like that. It's no sacrifice. It's just my life. It's that simple. When the music is good it's all worth it. Being this age and on my own, and it's quite possible I may remain alone, I've accepted this, I best make the most of this creation. Maybe this is my child? These sounds, the few records I've been a part of. I mean, why not?

So it's not to say that all artist are difficult and are just good at being lonely creatures. I'm open to any possibility to share this life. My feelings about the whole matter can change as soon as I click publish. And certainly it's worked out for others. And I still have a long way to go before I can call myself a good musician. And I'm digging this journey. Maybe I'll someday get that good.

JB

The good and not so good of internet music forums

In 2007 I joined the online forum Sax on the Web. I left in 2010. I have nothing against internet forum communities but thought I'd share my experience here and hope that some reader finds it useful.

The internet is a peculiar new reality. I cannot tell if it is bringing more people together, or simply driving us apart. I joined SOTW to explore my fascination with my chosen instrument and to share my journey with some fellow players. Well, that's the positive reason for joining. I also need to admit here too that I was having serious struggles with the equipment obsession trying to solve problems by buying gear rather than practicing on what I have. I did spend most of my time on the equipment side of the forum.

Obsessing and chasing gear is a fabulous way to insure you won't grow.

I could not stop.... not without massive help.

Does this resonate?

So, most of my interactions were pleasant. A few members were kind enough to let them know they like me and enjoyed some of my contributions. I'm no "pro level" horn player, not in the schooled jazz sense, but I have a good ear for tone and work really hard to make good sounds be it sax or guitar. I learned a lot. It helped me clear up some things and make some enlightened choices.

But then I'd read about the latest heavy neck screw or whatever to make your sound better and there went another bit of cash.

I could not stop........

Then some things started getting weird. I suppose those who frequent forums often know it's nothing unusual, but the negativity stuff. The occasional person who maybe isn't well and just needs attention attacking you. Today I know my choices better. If someone goes low I can choose to go high. But back then I did my best and slowly started to sink. Someone operating at a low frequency seeks to bring you there. Two things can bring out the darkness inside: your own darkness or your own light. I could be captain positive sunshine and get pounced by someone for doing so. I didn't know it didn't need to bother me so I'd engage.

By the end of my stay I made a few questionable comments criticizing peoples choices myself. That's not me to do that. I didn't like this version of me.

Oh, and I couldn't stop.....

One day as I was satisfying my fix at my coffee shop in Echo Park, yes I considered myself addicted to this forum by this point and it was bad, I received a private message from a member who I had apparently offended. At this point I had just under 500 post. He tore into me. Tore into what he knew about me (which isn't anything, all internet social activity including this blog is my brand, not me, it's bullshit) and dealt some low blows. He used threatening language, the works. He left off with a peculiar warning that I waste too much time there judging from my near 500 post.

500 post....that is a lot of time spent there. The number was right there in front of me. What was I getting from that number? It was a bucket of water poured on my sleepy head.

I answered him with a thank you. I didn't know what I did to offend this person but thanked him for pointing out something I was refusing to see. I was an addict. 500 post. I couldn't stop. I was spending more time here than I was making music and becoming a better player and person. This needed to stop.

I said to myself "please shoot me if I reach 1000!"

I pointed out to him he was approaching the 1000 mark......

So I did the best thing I could. I made one final post announcing "this is my final post, thank you for the good times". I did this so I couldn't go back. My ego needed to do such a thing. I contacted an administrator and asked that I be removed since they don't let you just go. I explained my addict behavior and that I needed this. I kinda begged. She told me she was sad to see me go and found me to be an interesting and valuable member and that it would say on my profile that I was 'banned'. I said "go for it! Thank you!"

That stopped the bleeding. I keep more money now and have become a much better player by spending time taking care of my gifts and digging into my own dreams.



So what about my side of the street?

I needed to admit there was ego tripping on my part. I got high on being right a few times. That felt gross but in a satisfying way. Yuck.....

If I did it again I wouldn't use an avatar. I'd use my name. That creates, for me, a better energy.

People say things over the internet that they would never say in person. For the most part we are rather docile creatures prone to decent social behaviors. But behind miles of fiber optic cables and satellites all bets are off. Read any comments section on any online news or video channel and you can see it. It's unfortunate behavior. There is absolutely no physical accountability online. If I said some of the things some folks said to me, I'd expect to get my nose broken. I even said to my 'private message' guy "you know, I bet we'd actually have a decent conversation about any of this over a cup of coffee". I don't think ill of that person at all. In hindsight I think he was struggling with the same problem as I was: he could not stop. If we met in person we may have actually helped one another. But in this cyber world? Has anybody ever grown from a Facebook argument? The #1 emotion on the web is rage. I don't know why this is but it's easier to go from 1 to 10 on the rage-o-meter on the web for me than when I'm sitting in NYC traffic!

I do follow SOTW still. I learn a lot. I learn about players I've never heard about and I'm grateful. I'm stronger now, wiser, but wise enough to know how easily I could get sucked back into behavior that harms me, so I read and then pick up my horn and work on ideas. I'm grateful for the whole experience. I'm grateful to Dr. G, JL, others and especially KCP for helping me move on.

I think it's a good thing for some people, just not for this person. If it's good for you, enjoy it! If you think you have a problem and cannot stop, there is help available. Reach out and get it, then get on and improve your playing, life, relationships, joy, heart.......

-Jef