It's okay to say no, you aren't going to crush my spirit! (Rant!!!!)

  So I'm going through the process of looking for drummers to fill our needs in a new project. Here is a peculiar thing that I've noticed happening in our world for the last 20 years: person expresses an interest before and after hearing the music, I get excited and then.....nothing happens. Person disappears. No returned phone call, no text, no email, time feels wasted and I feel dis-respected.

  I don't know what this is about but it feels like our crappy "I don't want to hurt anyones feelings" culture today. I first encountered this when I moved to Portland 20 years ago. I played with so many folks who seemed excited and said "that rocked, let's jam again". By the 3rd un-returned phone call I just had to give up. How can one be so dis-honest? If you don't want to commit, or you don't like it, or you don't like me just say so. It's not going to kill me or stop me from pursuing this vision. Just be honest.

  Around 2007 I walked into a new bar that served great macaroni and cheese on Mississippi Ave and spotted a bartender I met during my early Portland years. She was a bassist I jammed with in 1996. I sat quietly waiting for my order and she kept looking at me. She finally said to me "you look familiar, do I know you?" and I replied "we've met, your name is Mary and you were married to a guy named Heath. He played drums and you played bass and you had just moved to Portland from Florida and were starting a band and we jammed one night and afterward you and Heath said thank you for coming over but you aren't what we are looking for." She looked stunned and said "damn you have a good memory!" I said "no, actually my memory is pretty crappy. It's just that in that time I had just moved here and jammed with a lot of folks and you and Heath were the only folks who were honest with me. I was really grateful about that so you 2 were the only ones worth remembering!"

  They were cool. I'd love it if all of us could be so brave.

J

So if you're gonna talk during the music....

  Tonight Gardens played at Manhattan Inn. Good set, totally different vibe from last week in the room. People just couldn't stop talking. We aren't a loud group so at points it drowned us out. The music deejayed in would bury us. But you know, we accept that it's a bar and people want to talk to one another. Unless you are a balls out rock band that buries the chit chat sounds, this is what you get sometimes.

  The table behind my head was good and loud. Conversation was about how much better Super Mario Cart is than just the regular Mario Brothers games. You know, if you are going to talk during my set, please at least be into something deep. It's kind of embarrassing.

  But then I remembered a great moment in one of the first Evolutionary Jass Band gigs with Bob on bass (yes, he played bass tonight too!). It must have been about 2004 at Holocene in Portland, Oregon. Keelin was playing tenor in the group. We never used a P.A. system and opted for just the room sound instead. Anyway, we kicked off the first song and a young lady about 5 feet in front of us continued her cellphone conversation as if there was no band at all. Keelin approached her with her old Martin tenor sax: "HONK HONK, HONK HONK HONK!!!!" She literally chased the lady out of the room, followed her to the door sounding like an angry Canadian Goose. She became my instant hero right then and there. True punk rock spirit! No tact, no 'political correctness', no jive. Just solve the damn problem!

  That was 11 years ago, a few years before the smartphone. Oh my how we've sunk since then. Does anyone remember what it was like to have an attention span?

J

I forgot I was a musician for a moment, and it was really good.

  Things have been tough recently. New York can be really lonely at times despite the sheer amount of human energy. My debit card was compromised for the 2nd time in a month, I've had all kinds of doubts about my abilities as a musician and generally been asking what am I doing? What is this all for?

  I went to Prospect Park, beautiful place but full of families. Not really a single guy spot where I need inspiration. Sure, I'd like a family and all that but I still need my dose of chaos. That's what Washington Square Park is for.

 I enter on the northwest side and immediately I'm met with a good old sketchy dude trying to sell me weed. Ah....this is more like it. I love saying no to those cats. It's funny and they are always there. The park is alive with music and dance. I hear a joyful noise from across the way so I follow it. Sounds like a jazz band but playing music I truly enjoy, good southern greasy New Orleans jazz.

  I sit down and take it in. This band is celebrating 16 years of playing in the park every weekend. My feet are tapping, an old man is tap dancing, people are smiling and for a few minutes not only did I forget all my petty little 20th century prosperous country problems, I forgot I was a music maker. Their sound filled my heart. I didn't finger saxophone notes compulsively and try to 'figure out' what the tenor man was doing. I became the music. That's rare. Especially with jazz today though they were playing jass.

  I had my guitar with me. My intent was to play in the park. Instruments attract musicians. A guy sat down next to me. Ruh Roh........

  "Hey did you notice that there was something out of tune during the head?" this guy ask. "What?" I ask. "Did you notice they had some intonation problems when they were all playing together?"
"Um, it's jazz." I replied. "Well I just wanted to hear it be more in tune" he says. "Um, they sound like they are having a blast up there, that's all that matters to me bro".

  He tried to carry on a conversation but I hit the ignore button. Gave the band a nice tip when the hat man came around and my new friend left.

  Then, all I could notice was how out of tune they were. Especially the guy playing a trumpet and flugelhorn, AT THE SAME TIME! I just kept noticing the pitch issues again and again, then saying "but how the $#&@ does that man play 2 brass instruments at once, that's amazing! And my fingers try to compulsively figure out what the tenor player is doing.

  So to you musicianers out there. If you see a man sitting in the park smiling on a sunny day tapping his feet to some happy music and he has a guitar or sax or piano or freaky hair, and you feel like you need to share some negative perfectionist thoughts with him and think that maybe you'll make a new ally by co-bashing the band in front of you, please shut up. Don't say a word. I will slap you. Hard. You won't like it but some day you will understand and maybe even be grateful. Leave a smiling man or woman alone unless you have something positive to say! You didn't ruin my day, you didn't ruin my life, but you messed up a moment that I needed. I hope that some other day I forget I make music and lose that division. That was one great feeling and I am grateful to have had it.

J

The blues, criticism and fearback.

  Things have been going swimmingly lately. My confidence in my playing and projects has been soaring. Progress being made, and progress for me is the key to human happiness. That feeling that you are going somewhere. I laid down tracks for a demo 2 weeks ago and couldn't sleep for 2 days after I was so ecstatic. It's just a lovely piece and I can hardly wait to finish it with vocals and all.

  I was dancing in the streets. I could see, feel, hear and smell the vision. Not a fantasy. Not a delusion. I know the difference. When it's just so engulfing, it's vision.

  Then a couple days later the critic speaks. This time it wasn't that nasty drunk at the back of the bar in my head, it was a friend. For the last 10 days it's been the blues. I can't play. I can't write. What I do is trite. Middle of the road. Sounds like Jazz. I want to sell my saxophones and move to the woods, smoke mushrooms and collect a government check if possible.

  Is that what I really want to do? Hell no. I want to be free to be who I am and play the way I play and evolve on my own time. I enjoy this life. The blues don't last forever.

  The problem with criticism is this. The critic is trying to help but what they are often saying is this: "If I were to do it I would do it like this". Another person doesn't live in your head. They can't possibly know what is going on in your life, what you are dreaming. All they know is their own version of perfection and sometimes what I may be doing brings up some fear in another person. Embarrassment of me, or fear I'm just delusional and won't stack up to another. It's really not my problem. It's their problem. Oh, I don't mind feedback, I encourage it. But when it's full of fear, it's not feedback. It's fearback.

  Several time in my life I've been told how I 'should' play. It's a bummer. I live in between. I'm proud to say I don't consider myself a jazz player. In fact I really don't enjoy the 'pro' player vibe. What I do will always have roots. Blues, Arab blues, Jewish blues, American blues, Roma blues, it's the stuff I've digested. It's just feeling music to me, or soul music. When I first started playing the horn I was in a group that had a lot of ESP Disk inspired folk and free jazz mix. I was encouraged to "just pick up where Coltrane left off" by a few colleagues. Man, screw that. I'm going to pick up where I left off which is the beginning of my journey. How do I get the sound I want? What is my C major scale? How do I put what I learned on guitar for years on to this horn? I actually found that feedback offensive. I did many sessions where I worked hard on an idea to just be told "hey man can you just freak out on my indie song? Like Ayler?" I'm not a free jazz player. Those guys came to that conclusion on their own back in the day. And it was a beautiful day at that. But it's not my day. My day, my story, it's different. It's my own. Is it 100% original? No. Nothing ever is. Especially fear.

  Isn't that the nature of fear? Fear is always old. I'm afraid you'll embarrass yourself like I did once. I'm afraid I'll get hurt again if I start dating, perform in a club, take a class of go to the gym. It's old. It's already happened. Let it push up dandelions.

  At one other point in my life I worked 2 years on a project only to be told to abandon melody and rhythm and 'play free' or my partner in crime would leave. Um, go ahead and leave. I still love you. And that is not a bold move to me to play 'free'. It's rooted in fear. There is no risk involved for me. I've sold 37 records to free music fans. I would like to know what it's like to sell 37,000 records or way more to people I'll never meet or friend on Facebook. That's a risk. No dis-respect to those 37 fans. Life for me is about trying something new beyond music. It's about putting as much light in this world as I can as a decent human being. And that is what I intend to do. When I die I want my potential to be completely exhausted. I want to reach as many folks as possible. It's only logical, I kinda do make folk music, or music for folks. It's my responsibility as an artist. It's my duty as an artist....

J

Winter project: re-pad this old King Zephyr!

  It's been a tough winter here in the Big Apple. Tough for me and tough for many of my friends as well. I'm not satisfied with my creative output, been a bit of a struggle to get out of the house. So when the weather insist on being bad (today is lovely!) I need other things to do. This is one of those things.

  Did my first re-pad. Why? the motivation is to learn how to do my own adjustments and fix minor problems on my own horns. I have that kind of mind and this type of work is expensive. I chose this horn on Ebay, it's a 1935 model with the single socket neck and single strap ring hook, chose it cause it was in good shape with no dents and the price was pretty darned cheap. It's a re-lacquer though from what I can tell it was probably just a lacquer. The engraving is super sharp with no signs of buffing. They did make these horns available as bare brass, that was an option. Someone along its 80 year journey had lacquer applied which is the smart thing to do. Protects the metal and keeps your hands from smelling like a machine shop after every practice session!

I also chose this cause it was cheap and I may sell it but after playing it for a while last night it may need to stay with me. It's really good. I like the way these horns look: smart and modern and they feel that way under the hands too.

  So why do my own re-pad, what other reasons besides I'm bored, depressed and don't have the dough and it's winter time? Well, a bit of history. The 3 tenors I've played that made me the most excited were in this order: A King Zephyr from 1950, I Selmer Balanced Action from 1938 and an early 40's Buescher 400. Funny that none of these were Conns which is what I played on for many years.

  I told myself if I ever found a King Zephyr that was as good as the first one I tried (over-priced at $3200 in 2005!) I would buy it. Well, I tried many, including a few Super 20 horns that did nothing for me. Some had really peculiar intonation, others including a very expensive Super 20 were dull as dishwater. Not tone, life, no excitement. I was hooked on the size of the 20's Conn sound but wanted something more modern. The Selmer was a cool $4850 in 2005 and they have gone up. Same horn is close to $9k now. Oh, if cost were no object I'd do it and God willing, that won't be an issue forever, but I can't see myself taking a ten grand horn to the gigs I play and well, I don't need one really.

  I've been trying some new horns out: P Mauriat, Tenor Madness (the best I've tried!) and some new Selmer. They all feel tankish to me. I don't want my horn to be a tank. Heavy build psychologically means heavy tone and heavy playing. I want to get away with that. Tonally those new horns sound like my Buescher, not even close to the Selmers they so try to emulate. They lack finesse, excitement.

  So the King seems the way for me to go. I tried a really beat Balanced Action and really liked it. The Selmer horns have a nice 'bite' to them that my sound, no matter what I do, lacks.

  I re-padded this with Music Medic pads with nylon resonators. That's a part of how my mind works. I've played a lot of horns and the ones that grab me, none of them have metal resos. A king is a tad bright so this mellows it out a bit. The sound gets bigger when pushed, not thinner. If I could re-do my Buescher this way without the 'collector' anxiety bs and those snappo resonators, I would do it in a snap (pun intended!). The worst sounding horns I have played have those ugly star resonators. I don't know if it's psychological or what, but to me the warmth is compromised with those big star things.

  So far I'm really digging this horn. It's a smaller bore than I'm used to. The sound is more compact and the response is fast. It still has some timing issues I need to address but they are getting worked out bit by bit. This horn is powerful. These old Kings have a reputation for dodgy intonation. Not the case with this one. Now that I've spent some time with it I find it easy to play in tune. I'm using an Otto Link Super Tonemaster 8. I have played other kings that liked to go sharp in the upper register. This one stays in tune really well. Quite the opposite of my old Conns which liked to blow sharp. Those did me well since they forced me to relax or I wouldn't be in tune! If I'm all tight, my sound goes out the window!

One thing I really do like about this horn is how even it is. The high end doesn't thin out like some tenors do. It stays strong. I also like the keywork. Easiest glissando I've ever had. Very smooth and nice and light. The weight is on the lighter side too. I was always convinced that a horn needed to be heavy for it to be really good. My neck doesn't like that philosophy. An old Selmer feels light in the hand (Balanced Action? No one has made a more fluid horn than that!), and so does this horn.
It has that perfect tenor 'angry' midrange that I like. It sounds like I mean business!

Art Deco is sexy........

J

2/19/15 There is nothing more that I love

  There is nothing more that I love than creating music. Nothing. I spent hours creating horn parts, layering harmonies on top of one another the other night. Technology amazes me. I'm not even that good at using Pro-Tools. I still approach it like a fancy four-track.

  Doing this kind of work I know I'm in harmony with reality, nature and my true self. Time stops. I lose physical hunger and that gets replaced with a perfect hunger. All my petty problems melt away and the big, bad world with all of it's division and meanness simply vanishes.

  I'm in love with my 2 projects. Something I haven't felt for a very, very long time. I question some days if New York is good for me. It's so expensive to have space, there is so much stress here, so much ambition then I realize, New York is right now for me. Not much else matters. I like the now. The past is a dead thing, the future hasn't been written yet. When creating music I'm in love with the now and nothing else matters.

J

2/12/15....nervous gig

  Did a gig tonight. I think it went well. Hired gun gig. Don't really enjoy those. Learn some songs and play at a tiny joint called Pete's Candy. Every mistake becomes epic in my mind. "I'm no pro, who am I kidding?" Funny how the mind works like that, at least this mind does. Beat myself to death over a wrong chord. Perfectionism=the death of my own good nature. All that Berklee memory rushes to the front of my head and I start to judge the people around me. That 18 year old college boy inside me is hurt and scared and now that he lives in a 40+ year old body, he can't even express himself musically or with cocky scared schoolboy language.

  Thank god he can't open his mouth. I get to tell him what I wish someone told me back then: just listen and learn and do what you really want to do. There is love for your truth. Start by loving you dude.

  Oh well. Anyway, the audience enjoyed it and we did play well. And one mission was accomplished: I got to expand my circle of people. Make new connections, that sorta thing. It's not all just about music. It was a one night stand for me, all I can do at this point is focus on the 2 wonderful meals on my plate already. I am inspired by the hard work the other folks put into it and the assembly of a vision. That's enough. I dig it and I'm grateful to have served!

J