Free Music!

Sometimes I like playing free music. This was a good vibe night. Good listening, good fun.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu5QQxqnvRQ

Enjoy! J

12/30/14, Gardens show at Cake Shop!

 Was a special night. Gardens opened up the evening and we added Lathan Hardy on tenor sax and clarinet. I really enjoy this project at this stage, it's never the same performance and it always keeps me uncomfortable. I need that. Tonight I could hear new horizons, new possibilities. Radically different from our last show. I enjoyed 2 of the other bands as well. The one I didn't enjoy, well, Cake Shop has an upstairs where you can hang out. I was feeling kinda odd and lonely so I honored my inner animal and went upstairs to stare into space.

  I feel strange. Going into it I felt this sadness. The music was really good but couldn't shake that feeling. It's okay, I've learned not to alter a feeling and just be honest and put it into my playing. If I feel happy that's what you get, sad, well I ain't gonna lie to ya.

  I've spoken about this before but I'll keep writing until an answer comes. I do enjoy a nice drink now and then but I can't really be around drunk people. I've never felt safe around that kind of energy. It's exhausting. I lose my open vibe easily and start to contract. It doesn't feel good. And I'm in music. Music is presented in bars. What do I do about this? What can I do? Its in my vision to present in alternative spaces and concert halls. I will not stop trying until that is realized. I know it is possible.

  It really gets into other areas of this here life. Where I meet people. Church is social, bars are social. Neither has ever suited me. They are kind of one in the same to me, just different prayers. Like one couldn't exist without the other. That phony duality we humans insist on creating. And apparently I'm not strong enough yet to not be triggered by the vibes. It's cool. I'll just keep working on it till I am more loving and better at the psychic bubble wrapping of my core being.

  For now I'll just pray for an answer. I'm not inspired by the choices I have. I'm open to something I can't yet see, hear or feel yet. I do have faith that it's out there.

With love, J

Blues for Amir

After I dropped out of Berklee College of Music in '88 I joined a band, not a good band mind you, but a rather typical all over the map 80's original band called Wise Guise (yup, it's logo was a mask) that had sounds ranging from U2, the Cure to whoever that guy who wrote My Sharona. The drummer was none other than a very young Greg Saunier who you may have heard of, he went on to form Deerhoof and is still tearing up those drums in such a joyous manner. I knew him in high school and re-connected with him somehow to join this group. He had been playing drums for about a year at this point and well, he made the band really. He was that good, even then. Trouble was he was heading off to college in a couple months. When he left I went into denial about how good he actually was. No, actually I went into mourning! I git stuck in the denial part. We went through a couple drummers afterwards, some who had no volume, couldn't play, and some who had tremendous volume but the wrong vibe.

I left that band after putting myself through some real pain. Oh why did I stay in the first place? The leader was encouraging me to step up to better music but I for some reason beat that dead horse to a pulp.

When I did leave I started a new band with this drummer named Amir. We couldn't have been more opposite but I just wanted to start a band where I could write songs. Amir had this kinda yuppie thing going on. He dressed the preppy dress and went to a fine school. He was spoiled, self centered, handsome and the ladies liked him. He was loud drummer who loved to talk about his Sonor kit. It was black and shiny. He was also my first experience with an alcoholic musician. That is a problem in music. I'm writing about this cause years later I can forgive him, accept my part in a dysfunctional musical relationship and I can kinda see where it came from. Neither of us were adults at this point so I spent a good deal of time in his home.

Here's the denial part. He could not play drums. Frankly, he was the worst drummer I have ever worked with. Yet, when we recorded and listened back to the individual tracks I would listen to the kick drum and hear bump de bump bump dedede bump de bumpbump     bump and I remember saying to myself: "Oh I've never heard an isolated kick before, maybe that's the way it's supposed to sound?" No time. No 2 measures in the same tempo. He liked to bash the cymbals so you couldn't hear the rest of his kit, which was out of tune and way too bright. I almost strangled him when he bought a piccolo snare. No tone, no time. When I get with a bad rhythm section I start to feel doubt about my own abilities. I start to wonder if I can play at all. My father used to tell me he couldn't hear anything but those horrible cymbals on a gig, no guitar, no bass, no vocals, just cymbals and an occasional crack of that horrible snare drum. His father once said to my father at a gig: "Amir will never be successful in music, he has no talent."....... I can't imagine being a father saying such a thing.

Once in a while though, he surprised me. In rare moments of vulnerability he could come up with an interesting rhythm, something that didn't sound like anything else. He would kill it soon enough the same way most of us do: compare it to something successful then shape it into an awful boring John Bonham style or Stewart Copeland. I would always encourage him to be inventive and try to write around those interesting moments. A few good little gems did emerge. And like any dysfunctional relationship, these little moments kept me interested in sticking around. I've been told this by women I've dated in the past: they could see something I wasn't yet willing to see, something really good. I could see that in Amir.

The other side of dysfunction: I had a mind then to play with inferior musicians, this way I could shape them to my needs. Oof. That feels horrible to write that but it was true. Underlying that really is this: I was afraid of getting rejected by better players, so I played it safe and tried to control what I thought I could, which hindsight being 20/20, was pretty unkind of me. Not to mention, impossible!

Amir was alcoholic. I had a crappy '79 Ford Fairmont station wagon that we hauled our gear around in. He had this little crappy Isuzu that he called "IshitZu" that he could haul his drums around in. He wrecked that. Next bought a beautiful red early 70's BMW 2002. Could't haul anything in that car but one of his many girls. Resentment started right here. No consideration for his other bandmates, just a car to attract girls. Didn't matter. He got drunk and totaled that one too. All the while I started the cycle of worry if he will live or die and the denial of his true problem and the belief that I can do anything about it. So.....he bought a BMW Bavaria. This one had 4 doors. His kick drum couldn't fit in the back seat. I was furious. But......he got drunk and killed that beautiful car too. Lied about the scene to me and I blew up at him once I uncovered the lie. At this point we lived in a total college type house in Baltimore off of Charles Street. Amir had a different lady in his bed every week. Once in a while an upset lady would come to me asking me questions about him and furious about how she was treated. A couple of them even made moves on me saying "you seem so nice yadda yadda." I never went that way. I knew after my close call with a rooftop I needed to grow up a bit before I could date or sleep with anyone. I was on a 2 year hiatus from that scene and my bandmates and their friends actually thought I was gay which to me doesn't matter but to them was a subject of gossip.

Eventually the lady who I almost ended my existence over showed up again. Amir and my Singer both fell for her. I'll spare the story. I just sat back and watched the end of that band. She dated Amir first, they got a place together, she left and dated our singer. She dated, they hated. It was ugly. I wanted that band to end anyway so I figured why not let it go out in style. Truthfully, it was kinda funny. Both of them came crying to me as their lives were falling to pieces asking me about her. I had been telling them about her for 2 years at that point "here's what happened and that's why I choose not to date right now", yet when she showed up to a gig, they ignored all that.

So Amir and I went our separate ways. I think he went to college to become a banker or something his father wanted him to do. NYC.

Then I got the news. He was drinking and didn't have his keys to his apartment. So he tried to climb in through the fire escape. He fell. He died. He couldn't have been more than 23 or 24 years old at that point.

Why am I writing this? I do think about him from time to time. A lot of what ifs come to mind. What if he had been treated with the love and support he needed? The bits of time I spent in his home I only saw criticism and I felt no warmth. Maybe with all those ladies he was really looking for that warmth. Would he have been a better drummer if he was loved unconditionally? No doubt in my mind that he would have been. There were glimpses of something really lovely and wanting to get out there. I could see that at such a young age. What if he hadn't died and transcended all the pain he was in? Would he still be playing? Would he be playing without all that comparison poison? Would he be playing no longer to prove something? Would he be playing just cause he can? What would he be like as a grownup? I certainly was not perfect then either and still am not, but I am better. I love running into those folks I may have had bitterness with and seeing that we crossed through some bad stuff to get to another place. I love letting that past go and saying "man, you inspire me today, just as a part of you did yesterday". I wonder if Amir would be one of those people. If we could talk about those days and say to each other: "sorry I was such a mess in those days, how are you today?"

What did I learn from all of this? Funny, this was all 25 years ago!

If you are playing with something to prove you will not make good music. If you are playing with people that have something to prove you will be dragged down to a dishonest place, you will not make good music. It's something I think most of us have to pass through and that's okay so long as we pass through it. I could see that with my friend and I at that time. We were both playing out of a painful place, doing our best. The playing was kinda desperate. Maybe that's all that needs to be said about that band. Maybe that's how we found each other. Playing to seek approval and to tell our tormentors to fuck off. Cool...that's been expressed. Let it go.

Right around the time the band was dissolving, I got head hunted by another group. The drummer was none other than my lifelong friend Barry Hampton (RIP) and he was fantastic. I also got to play with Cleveland Johnson who is terrific too. I guess I learned to never sell myself short. When a situation isn't working move on. It's beyond the music when I'm in a band thinking I can fix another person. In fact, that has nothing to really do with music, and everything to do with being sick yourself. And life is too short for that. Bands are tricky. Really tricky. They are a complex relationship. If you choose to make music your life, choose the people you want to work with wisely. Have a vision. And if it's not working, move on and change what you can change, which is only yourself. That was 2 years of my life I chose to work on someone else's problems. That wasn't very nice to him and certainly wasn't very nice to me. And as a musician, work with those that challenge and inspire you. Leave the drama for those who get high on drama. Music is really a powerful medium. Handle it with care. Of course, Amir and I weren't the last dysfunctional musical dance I've been in, and that is okay. It's better now and keeps getting better. And that's all that matters.

J

12/29/14. Rehearsal for Gardens show and honesty

Was a good day today. Beth and I rehearsed for our Gardens show at Cake Shop on the 30th. Felt good. Decided to put one piece on the back burner and shape it more before presenting it again. I love the piece, but I agree, better to present when it's reached a higher level of connection.

That's been a subject of conversation lately with many of my musical friends. Connection. Really, for me I say just be honest with your creation. Don't worry about friends, money, love, and most importantly, don't worry about what other people are doing or thinking, for that is none of my business or yours. Can't control it thank god, so just do your best work.

It's a fine line. What I do I can easily cross into self indulgence. I only hope that I don't. When I run out of things to say I stop talking.

Been thinking a lot about jazz today. I don't really know why I've been thinking so much about it. Maybe because there is so much I like about it and so little happening that interest me. I can't think of a more awful existence for me to play jazz standards for the rest of my life or to be lumped in with the 'jazz' genre yet, I do play the tenor sax and I do improvise with that thing and work very hard to be a better player, man and musician. Yet when it comes to booking shows....I don't enjoy most of the acts I may be booked with. What seems logical as a bill almost never works, especially if it's with 'jazz' acts. I usually wind up standing in my room (the sidewalk in the cold with the smokers in front of the venue!) waiting my turn. I've spent years in that room.

I do know this. When the band is in front of the right audience majic happens. That's all I need to know. I do want community, a scene, some kindred spirits on the journey. It has been really lonely at times but... I'm not afraid to be alone. Or I should say I'm no longer afraid to be alone.

Let the music speak for itself.

I did spend another 3 hours practicing my horn. One of those times where I feel like I'm getting worse on my instrument. That's a good thing. It means I'm practicing things I'm not very good at rather than running up and down what I already know. Breakthrough? I remembered to sand my reed a bit halfway through. Went from stuffy to musical in a few strokes. Miracles are just remembering what worked before and doing it again sometimes. Before that I just wanted to eat a taco and go home. After that I felt progress.

J

12/28/14. Holiday blues

Good title for a song. Holiday Blues. Actually I feel good today, just got back to practicing my horn and realize how hard of an instrument tenor sax is. Spent a good hour and a half just doing long tones, getting a full sound, then working on a Lester Young solo, 'Shoe Shine Swing'. It's astonishing, the confidence in that solo, and the joy. That's what it's all about, being joyous in music no matter how I feel.

The holidays have a way of de-railing me though I am glad to have spent time with my beloved family. My morning routine is all out of whack right now but I know what to do to correct that.

That's what this post will be about. Duke Ellington started his day with a glass of hot water and a steak. He said something about building a foundation for the day. It's very true. Without that time in the morning it's not so easy being creative. Whatever that means to you, yoga, lemon water, meditation, a good shag, whatever one needs to do to make the day successful by all means culitvate that. When I'm off my routine, I feel it and lately, yup, those blues become bad blues.

So welcome back Jef, this is a good start. I practiced about 4 hours this evening and the more I play, the more I want to play. The more I write, the more I want to write. So I'll just keep going.

J

12/20/14. Good day for earning! I love teaching....Bogmen show.

Today was a long, long, long day. Earned well so I'm happy about that. Taught some of my regulars in the beginning. Taught about the rest stroke on bass. Really cool to hear one go from clunky to smooth and I always try to let my students feel free to express when something isn't working. There is always a solution. Sometimes doing something "the wrong way" leads to your own personal style. Jimi Hendrix and Django Reinhardt did nothing right, neither do I. But that doesn't mean they couldn't play. My brother and my best friend are both right handed but both play bass left handed cause that's simply what seemed logical to them. They both are the finest players I know! I'd rather have them on my team than someone hung up on doing something "right".

One of my students had me figure out an Interpol song. Really tricky at first but we both found how the riff worked with some effort. That's another thing I dig about teaching. I guess you can say I'm out of the scene, and quite happy about that. But these kids, they keep me hip to what is going on. Some of it I don't dig, some like this song I really enjoyed. Makes the world a bit more open.

Tonight I did a guitar tech gig for The Bogmen. Fantastic band. Yay positive music! They sold out 2 nights at the Bowery Ballroom. Again, inspiration for doing my thing better. There is nothing like being a band for so many years. Billy Campion has been a huge inspiration for me. I've had the good fortune of laying down some horn and guitar tracks on his some of his new works and I always come away feeling uplifted.

J

12/19/14...taught a class and finished building an amp.

Fun day. Played a little bit of guitar, finished cleaning up my old Silvertone, checked off the list then taught a class at NEST. Really fun. It's great working with groups, even kids who eat too much candy can be fun. It's the progress that makes it all worth it. It's a challenge with 5 kids. Each one needs a bit different style of encouragement. This is my 2nd time there so I'm getting to know them a bit better. I like South Park so I got their respect now!

So I finished one big project on my list, the ol' hi fi:

How does it sound? It's my best work so far. I'll just say there is nothing like hearing music through a very simple machine. I'm shocked at how much clear bass there is on my NS-10 speakers, which have a reputation for having no bass. Every studio has them, every studio hates them. Ok, I did mod mine but still, this thing in the bomb. I never use EQ. Don't need it, especially on a little guy like this. Pure sound.

Why go through the trouble to build this? I sold my entire record collection years ago and got rid of my amps as well. I needed to. I wanted to be lighter. I got lighter. But I am a musician too. Projects like this are inspiring. I need some inspiration right now.

See, a simple amp like this, I can hear things. I'm hearing instruments I never knew were there. Jimi Hendrix was a really good singer and he used very little distortion! He sounds so clear! Depeche Mode sounds warm. I can hear people walking around the studio on some tracks! Music is just more alive through a simple amp like this! The emotion of the music comes right through. I wish everyone could experience something this good!

I'll spare the technical yadda yadda, or maybe put that on my neglected tube amp whatever page. Here I'll just say I'm way pleased with the results, pleased with the mixes I've been making on my headphones these last couple years, pleased with my own concept of sound.

It's giving me inspiration to get this Gospel of Mars record made. I know what I want it to sound like. Gonna have to go analog, and I want the depth of these old jazz recordings. Critical that it's that good sounding!

Jeez. I've been listening to MP3s all night. Vinyl may kill me!

So the list of stuff in the way:

1... Fix tail light in my car and fix my now broken glove box (thanks stupid car thief!)
#2... Get new back tires for my car!
#3... Finish building my overdrive pedal!
#4... Build 45 triode amp (75% complete!) DONE!

#5... Fix leaky shower thing.
#6... Set up stereo when I finish building my amp and enjoy the heck out of it!
#7... Sell more stuff on Ebay, beat my December goal for sales there!
#8... Get 2 rolls of film developed, stuff I shot over the last 3 years.
#9.. Finish 2 videos to promote guitar and bass playing for hiring me as a session player or teacher.
#10.. Make new nut for my electric sitar, set it up better and CLEAN IT!

#11..Clean top on my classical guitar. Get rid of scuzzy looking tape residue! (fixed crack on this and Epiphone today, will finish clean up tomorrow, in process.) DONE!
#12.. Decide what to do with 2 extra mouthpieces. Sell as is or get them re-faced then sell them for more $$$. (Sent out for re-face to my man in Portland) DONE!

Down to 9! 

J