Some years ago in Baltimore I gained a reputation for having a kickass pile of old amps. Occasionally through the studio I worked for, Hound Sound, I would get a call to rent one or two. I got a call from a guy who wanted to rent all of my lovely amps, he wasn't a musician, he was a lawyer pumping his money into a band to get a record produced so they could ride the wave of the grunge scare of the early 90's. We set a price and a delivery date. The lawyer dude was very nice and had a lot of questions that extended beyond my amps, they went into the territory of how to make a good record, something I really had little experience in myself as my own band had not made a great recording yet.
So I met with him and he discussed the project. It was a band called Bloom and they were from College Park. From what I could gather, they were metal dudes who played in different bands and they secretly liked The Smiths, The Cure etc. so when Nirvana broke with that heavy sound and really fucking good songs they could come out of the closet and mix it up. This was the early 90's and hair metal was hilariously still alive at Hammerjacks in Baltimore, gasping with emphysema, and we, the 20 somethings were taking over with new sounds.
The lawyers questions started to disturb me. Everything was comparative. How did this band get this sound etc. It was all about other bands and not so much about Bloom, the band he was loading up with cash. I'll say it again: The second one starts to compare is the second one starts to destroy. This band didn't stand a chance with this kind of thinking and action, but whatever, I'm only renting some nice old Marshalls, Fenders and Gibson amps to them.
3 days into the session I get a call. They don't know how to use my amps. They are too simple. Where is the distortion channel? Can I come in and show them how. I had a nasty cold and agreed to do so if they paid me a lot more money. No problem! Just please get here fast, we need to track guitars!
I arrived. Oh God.....
First thing out of the lawyers mouth: "We are trying to get a 'Living Color' sound, can you hook that up? Which amp should we use?" They had this poor friend in with his absolutely craptastic VHT half stack. They were trying and trying to get that "Cult of Personality" tone. It wasn't happening. In a moment of pure passive aggressive dickishness I quietly set up my old Marshall plexi half stack, plugged in a Tube Screamer and hit a big old E chord with every knob dimed. The sound of Satan sent the poor fellow flying across the room. I said "Is this the sound?" The VHT guy says "Uh, yeah." I tell him to please leave the room and take that sad VHT with him.....
Next up: "Can you get this U2 sound like on Joshua Tree?". See, lawyer dude had a stack of about a dozen CDs that he was trying to get the band to mimic. I set up my ancient Gibson amp and a delay.
A real problem was revealing itself beyond not knowing how to use my amps, these guys weren't a real band. They were in the studio without having played a shitload of shows, that crucial time where you are gardening and the fruits of that garden is a vibe, a sound, an identity. They didn't know how to play together. They didn't even know their own material. They were arguing throughout the session about how to play their songs. This pissed me off. There were loads of bands around that had talent, good songs, passion, a good sound but no money and were too fucked up on drugs to get it together. I'd rather they get documented for being good at what they did than these Bozos. I did everything I could to maintain a cheerful attitude and be nice even with a cold but then....
"Sooooooo, we want this Nirvana type explosion here just like on 'Smells like Teen Spirit', can you hook that up?" "No, I can't and nobody can, it won't happen" I responded in a rare moment of brutal honesty. "What do you mean??? Why can't it happen???!" asked the lawyer.
"Listen to what you have recorded already, you did the drums and bass yesterday, you didn't record the full band, there is no energy in these tracks. It starts here and peaks a minute into the song and flatlines like a dead opossum. If you want this to work you need to leave here now, practice as a band a lot, play some real shows, not 'showcases', get rejected, get loved, get ripped off, get pissed off, feel good, feel shitty, have a good show, a bad show and learn how to be a real band if you care otherwise you are wasting your money and you are wasting my time which I for one do not appreciate, now give me my money and I'll go home, eat some chicken soup and watch a movie. Call me when you are ready to rock...."
Heads were down in that special shame position. Nobody argued with me which surprised me. I was expecting someone to tell me to go fuck myself but instead they all started fighting amongst themselves, blaming each other for not practicing enough blah blah. The Lawyer settled up and apologized.
Why did I call this a missed opportunity? Well, I basically took on the role of a producer, which is a thankless task sometimes. It was a blrurry boundry. Rental guy to producer. It felt shitty to say what I said the way I said it but I couldn't see the opportunity before me which was, I was merely telling the truth.
Producers get paid much more than rental guys. I actually like the role now. Bite your tongue and great work won't happen. And there are better ways to communicate than how I chose to that day. If I had to do it all over againI would have said: "If you guys want to make a good record hire me to produce it." And I would have set a price. I already had their respect. I could have created a fun challenge of taking a crap band and turning it to gold. Alchemy. Yeah, I like the sounof that. Alchemy Productions.....
Amen. And Bloom guys, wherever you may be. Sorry for the crap mood that day! I do wish you the best.
Jef#1
So I met with him and he discussed the project. It was a band called Bloom and they were from College Park. From what I could gather, they were metal dudes who played in different bands and they secretly liked The Smiths, The Cure etc. so when Nirvana broke with that heavy sound and really fucking good songs they could come out of the closet and mix it up. This was the early 90's and hair metal was hilariously still alive at Hammerjacks in Baltimore, gasping with emphysema, and we, the 20 somethings were taking over with new sounds.
The lawyers questions started to disturb me. Everything was comparative. How did this band get this sound etc. It was all about other bands and not so much about Bloom, the band he was loading up with cash. I'll say it again: The second one starts to compare is the second one starts to destroy. This band didn't stand a chance with this kind of thinking and action, but whatever, I'm only renting some nice old Marshalls, Fenders and Gibson amps to them.
3 days into the session I get a call. They don't know how to use my amps. They are too simple. Where is the distortion channel? Can I come in and show them how. I had a nasty cold and agreed to do so if they paid me a lot more money. No problem! Just please get here fast, we need to track guitars!
I arrived. Oh God.....
First thing out of the lawyers mouth: "We are trying to get a 'Living Color' sound, can you hook that up? Which amp should we use?" They had this poor friend in with his absolutely craptastic VHT half stack. They were trying and trying to get that "Cult of Personality" tone. It wasn't happening. In a moment of pure passive aggressive dickishness I quietly set up my old Marshall plexi half stack, plugged in a Tube Screamer and hit a big old E chord with every knob dimed. The sound of Satan sent the poor fellow flying across the room. I said "Is this the sound?" The VHT guy says "Uh, yeah." I tell him to please leave the room and take that sad VHT with him.....
Next up: "Can you get this U2 sound like on Joshua Tree?". See, lawyer dude had a stack of about a dozen CDs that he was trying to get the band to mimic. I set up my ancient Gibson amp and a delay.
A real problem was revealing itself beyond not knowing how to use my amps, these guys weren't a real band. They were in the studio without having played a shitload of shows, that crucial time where you are gardening and the fruits of that garden is a vibe, a sound, an identity. They didn't know how to play together. They didn't even know their own material. They were arguing throughout the session about how to play their songs. This pissed me off. There were loads of bands around that had talent, good songs, passion, a good sound but no money and were too fucked up on drugs to get it together. I'd rather they get documented for being good at what they did than these Bozos. I did everything I could to maintain a cheerful attitude and be nice even with a cold but then....
"Sooooooo, we want this Nirvana type explosion here just like on 'Smells like Teen Spirit', can you hook that up?" "No, I can't and nobody can, it won't happen" I responded in a rare moment of brutal honesty. "What do you mean??? Why can't it happen???!" asked the lawyer.
"Listen to what you have recorded already, you did the drums and bass yesterday, you didn't record the full band, there is no energy in these tracks. It starts here and peaks a minute into the song and flatlines like a dead opossum. If you want this to work you need to leave here now, practice as a band a lot, play some real shows, not 'showcases', get rejected, get loved, get ripped off, get pissed off, feel good, feel shitty, have a good show, a bad show and learn how to be a real band if you care otherwise you are wasting your money and you are wasting my time which I for one do not appreciate, now give me my money and I'll go home, eat some chicken soup and watch a movie. Call me when you are ready to rock...."
Heads were down in that special shame position. Nobody argued with me which surprised me. I was expecting someone to tell me to go fuck myself but instead they all started fighting amongst themselves, blaming each other for not practicing enough blah blah. The Lawyer settled up and apologized.
Why did I call this a missed opportunity? Well, I basically took on the role of a producer, which is a thankless task sometimes. It was a blrurry boundry. Rental guy to producer. It felt shitty to say what I said the way I said it but I couldn't see the opportunity before me which was, I was merely telling the truth.
Producers get paid much more than rental guys. I actually like the role now. Bite your tongue and great work won't happen. And there are better ways to communicate than how I chose to that day. If I had to do it all over againI would have said: "If you guys want to make a good record hire me to produce it." And I would have set a price. I already had their respect. I could have created a fun challenge of taking a crap band and turning it to gold. Alchemy. Yeah, I like the sounof that. Alchemy Productions.....
Amen. And Bloom guys, wherever you may be. Sorry for the crap mood that day! I do wish you the best.
Jef#1
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