Things have been going swimmingly lately. My confidence in my playing and projects has been soaring. Progress being made, and progress for me is the key to human happiness. That feeling that you are going somewhere. I laid down tracks for a demo 2 weeks ago and couldn't sleep for 2 days after I was so ecstatic. It's just a lovely piece and I can hardly wait to finish it with vocals and all.
I was dancing in the streets. I could see, feel, hear and smell the vision. Not a fantasy. Not a delusion. I know the difference. When it's just so engulfing, it's vision.
Then a couple days later the critic speaks. This time it wasn't that nasty drunk at the back of the bar in my head, it was a friend. For the last 10 days it's been the blues. I can't play. I can't write. What I do is trite. Middle of the road. Sounds like Jazz. I want to sell my saxophones and move to the woods, smoke mushrooms and collect a government check if possible.
Is that what I really want to do? Hell no. I want to be free to be who I am and play the way I play and evolve on my own time. I enjoy this life. The blues don't last forever.
The problem with criticism is this. The critic is trying to help but what they are often saying is this: "If I were to do it I would do it like this". Another person doesn't live in your head. They can't possibly know what is going on in your life, what you are dreaming. All they know is their own version of perfection and sometimes what I may be doing brings up some fear in another person. Embarrassment of me, or fear I'm just delusional and won't stack up to another. It's really not my problem. It's their problem. Oh, I don't mind feedback, I encourage it. But when it's full of fear, it's not feedback. It's fearback.
Several time in my life I've been told how I 'should' play. It's a bummer. I live in between. I'm proud to say I don't consider myself a jazz player. In fact I really don't enjoy the 'pro' player vibe. What I do will always have roots. Blues, Arab blues, Jewish blues, American blues, Roma blues, it's the stuff I've digested. It's just feeling music to me, or soul music. When I first started playing the horn I was in a group that had a lot of ESP Disk inspired folk and free jazz mix. I was encouraged to "just pick up where Coltrane left off" by a few colleagues. Man, screw that. I'm going to pick up where I left off which is the beginning of my journey. How do I get the sound I want? What is my C major scale? How do I put what I learned on guitar for years on to this horn? I actually found that feedback offensive. I did many sessions where I worked hard on an idea to just be told "hey man can you just freak out on my indie song? Like Ayler?" I'm not a free jazz player. Those guys came to that conclusion on their own back in the day. And it was a beautiful day at that. But it's not my day. My day, my story, it's different. It's my own. Is it 100% original? No. Nothing ever is. Especially fear.
Isn't that the nature of fear? Fear is always old. I'm afraid you'll embarrass yourself like I did once. I'm afraid I'll get hurt again if I start dating, perform in a club, take a class of go to the gym. It's old. It's already happened. Let it push up dandelions.
At one other point in my life I worked 2 years on a project only to be told to abandon melody and rhythm and 'play free' or my partner in crime would leave. Um, go ahead and leave. I still love you. And that is not a bold move to me to play 'free'. It's rooted in fear. There is no risk involved for me. I've sold 37 records to free music fans. I would like to know what it's like to sell 37,000 records or way more to people I'll never meet or friend on Facebook. That's a risk. No dis-respect to those 37 fans. Life for me is about trying something new beyond music. It's about putting as much light in this world as I can as a decent human being. And that is what I intend to do. When I die I want my potential to be completely exhausted. I want to reach as many folks as possible. It's only logical, I kinda do make folk music, or music for folks. It's my responsibility as an artist. It's my duty as an artist....
J
I was dancing in the streets. I could see, feel, hear and smell the vision. Not a fantasy. Not a delusion. I know the difference. When it's just so engulfing, it's vision.
Then a couple days later the critic speaks. This time it wasn't that nasty drunk at the back of the bar in my head, it was a friend. For the last 10 days it's been the blues. I can't play. I can't write. What I do is trite. Middle of the road. Sounds like Jazz. I want to sell my saxophones and move to the woods, smoke mushrooms and collect a government check if possible.
Is that what I really want to do? Hell no. I want to be free to be who I am and play the way I play and evolve on my own time. I enjoy this life. The blues don't last forever.
The problem with criticism is this. The critic is trying to help but what they are often saying is this: "If I were to do it I would do it like this". Another person doesn't live in your head. They can't possibly know what is going on in your life, what you are dreaming. All they know is their own version of perfection and sometimes what I may be doing brings up some fear in another person. Embarrassment of me, or fear I'm just delusional and won't stack up to another. It's really not my problem. It's their problem. Oh, I don't mind feedback, I encourage it. But when it's full of fear, it's not feedback. It's fearback.
Several time in my life I've been told how I 'should' play. It's a bummer. I live in between. I'm proud to say I don't consider myself a jazz player. In fact I really don't enjoy the 'pro' player vibe. What I do will always have roots. Blues, Arab blues, Jewish blues, American blues, Roma blues, it's the stuff I've digested. It's just feeling music to me, or soul music. When I first started playing the horn I was in a group that had a lot of ESP Disk inspired folk and free jazz mix. I was encouraged to "just pick up where Coltrane left off" by a few colleagues. Man, screw that. I'm going to pick up where I left off which is the beginning of my journey. How do I get the sound I want? What is my C major scale? How do I put what I learned on guitar for years on to this horn? I actually found that feedback offensive. I did many sessions where I worked hard on an idea to just be told "hey man can you just freak out on my indie song? Like Ayler?" I'm not a free jazz player. Those guys came to that conclusion on their own back in the day. And it was a beautiful day at that. But it's not my day. My day, my story, it's different. It's my own. Is it 100% original? No. Nothing ever is. Especially fear.
Isn't that the nature of fear? Fear is always old. I'm afraid you'll embarrass yourself like I did once. I'm afraid I'll get hurt again if I start dating, perform in a club, take a class of go to the gym. It's old. It's already happened. Let it push up dandelions.
At one other point in my life I worked 2 years on a project only to be told to abandon melody and rhythm and 'play free' or my partner in crime would leave. Um, go ahead and leave. I still love you. And that is not a bold move to me to play 'free'. It's rooted in fear. There is no risk involved for me. I've sold 37 records to free music fans. I would like to know what it's like to sell 37,000 records or way more to people I'll never meet or friend on Facebook. That's a risk. No dis-respect to those 37 fans. Life for me is about trying something new beyond music. It's about putting as much light in this world as I can as a decent human being. And that is what I intend to do. When I die I want my potential to be completely exhausted. I want to reach as many folks as possible. It's only logical, I kinda do make folk music, or music for folks. It's my responsibility as an artist. It's my duty as an artist....
J
