3 weeks ago I was visiting a dear old friend from my college days who was kind enough to hire me to help rebuild an old recording console. It's always great to see this fellow, he's a true treasure and has a lovely family as well. He's one of the 3 people I still talk to from my college days, the rest I was never that close to and lost contact with the day I fled Boston. The day I fled, and I do mean fled (attempted murder got me to my safer city of Baltimore! But that story is for another blog!!!!), it was 1988. I had been a Berklee College of music student for 2 years at this point. I think the attempt on my life, well, maybe I attracted that as a way out. I didn't want to be a financial burden on my parents any longer, wanted to make my own money, carve my own path and after being the egomaniac kid I was, well, 2 years of music school, I was better than that and had something to prove. And truthfully, after 2 years of music school, I didn't even know why I started playing in the first place and didn't even know if I was any good at all! I needed to test the Kitty Hawk......
So back to my friend 3 weeks ago. He was kind enough to take me to see Allan Holdsworth in North Hampton. I've seen Allan before and met him once. As soon as we sat down it took me back. Back to the same feelings I had when I saw Eric Johnson back in '89 or whenever. The audience was 96% men with a few unfortunate wives. Guitar player men. I don't remember much about the concert except I felt bludgeoned by the sheer amount of notes the 3 dudes on stage inflicted upon us. On the one hand, I appreciate the skill and the fact that Mr. Holdsworth has stuck to his chosen path for so long. It's not easy to do that. The opener was a huge Holdsworth fan. He said something about being grateful that we all got to share such a special moment in music history, when fusion was a somewhat popular form.
Cool. I liked the people. The music? Not for me but I'm glad people enjoyed it.
I have a problem when there are no women in the audience. I couldn't understand exactly why I didn't like it back in my college days, the music just didn't resonate with me. But when I was at sausage fest '89 starring Mr. Johnson I got it. This music is wussy and doesn't speak to half of the planet. Seriously. There is something mean about it even in it's instrumental form. I used to wonder why I didn't have more of those ultra cool looking Zappa records like my record collecting friends had then one day I got a bit more honesty in my heart: misogyny and homophobia just aren't my jam. I like The Jimi. He spoke to everyone.
But....I am a good guitarist. Surely the song oriented indy world of the 90's would be better?
The 90's started out good for me. I had some bands in Baltimore that were really good and I could express myself freely. Sure I was a drunk for that time, and still hiding behind a bunch of ego, but I got to play my ass off. Funk rock was king and the Chili Peppers were really good at what they did. I wasn't the biggest fan but at least I could fit in somewhere. And the more bored I got with taking my shirt off and waving my dreads around for the ladies, the weirder my music got and the more I got deeper into my own style and vibe on guitar. I stopped drinking so much on my own and realized my vibe was pretty odd on guitar. And that was a good thing. I was able to get out of the comparison phase of music making and just make honest music.
Then I moved to Portland. Oof. This was 1995. The grunge scare of '90-'94 ended with a nasty suicide. I was sad. That band could play well too even though they downplayed it. There was a lot of passion in that now dead group. The changes left me lost. Portland was a totally different energy, different scene, different vibration. It was oddly divisive. Do I go Indie or blues or reggae or soul or rap or country? No, I don't blame Portland, I think things were just getting divided into pieces musically everywhere. Me being the hipster that I am got involved in the more indie side of things. I was not and never accepted. I was jamming with some folks one day and hit the whammy bar on my trusty old Fender Jazzmaster. The drummer, who was terrible, looked at me laughing and said "uh, you touched the bar". I said "yes, and???" "Um, nothing, I've just never played with anyone who used the whammy, that's so butt rock".
What is "Butt rock?" Hair metal? The hair monsters never played old Jazzmasters and my style couldn't be further from theirs yet....I knew being good at my craft in this chapter would be a challenge. I suddenly felt judged, stigmatized and this sense of shame. I started to hide. The blues scene wanted me but I'm not a fan and frankly, I'd be a poseur in that scene. Reggae? I'm not Jamaican. Rap? I'm not angry. There was no passion or soul in indie for me though.....
The indie scene was just as mean as the fusion and hair metal scene. Mean and ugly.
I started coming across many people who were hiding. I started playing clarinet and saxophone with a Jackie O. The one place I could feel a bit safer. I enjoy playing 2 notes for 20 minutes, this was a group I could work with. But it wasn't really until I met Steve Lobdell and got in with a Rolling Stones cover band that I could actually play guitar the way I really can play and feel safe about it. The cover band, well, that's just what the audience expects. Good rock guitar. And with Steves band (Davis Redford Triad) well, he just has the gift of not caring what other people think, I only played with them briefly but it was a gift. My slow recovery from small minded indie rock hipster guitar meanness began right about this time.
I wish I had it in me to not care about that others think, I'm better at it now. I am working on a solo guitar record that I'm a bit afraid to finish. I think the time is right and I feel like anyone can enjoy it. I don't use chorus pedals and could never grow the hair the metal guys needed. It's different. I do listen to new music as much as I can and frankly am wondering, where are the good guitar solos? Are we still dividing things so much? Why is it that I need to find the passion I need to be inspired by from records that are 45 years old or more?
Glad to say though, this is the journey I happen to be on. If you like fusion or indy awesome. Go dig it. And whatever delight and disgust I've experienced on this road has made me the musician I am today. And today, I just enjoy putting my own truth out there for those to be delighted by and for those who have trouble with me using a whammy bar? Plenty of other guitarist to create with. Life it long, but it's still too short for shame.
There was a night in Belgium that said it all for me. We had just finished playing a gig and the audience was not satisfied. They got in my face actually: "we paid good money to see this and that was not your best!" They were right. So in this group, well, we had little vibe cause none of us had really spent time together before except for me and the drummer. So he and I played the other guys off the stage. I wasn't a good horn player at this point but decided to give it my all. The audience started cheering and smiling. They showed their appreciation. One cat got in my face smiling and said "Now that is what I am talking about!!!!"
In that moment it became all to clear. You can have all your stupid concepts and bullshit up there but in the end it's still just music which is still about showing up, doing your best, telling your truth and SOUL BABY, SOUL! The rest is just....bullshit.
Do your thing and tell the truth. And do try to speak to the whole planet.....please!
JB
